Humor me for a minute.

Go find a group of new students and ask them how they feel about conflict. Take a minute. I’ll wait.

I did this. Students looked at me with disgust, nervousness. They weren’t happy with the topic. In fact, they wanted to change the topic to something else.

If you did this, chances are you probably heard gems like I heard –

“I avoid conflict at all costs.”
“I’m afraid of conflict.”
“I don’t have time to argue with people.”

Now, humor me again for another minute.

Go find a group of new students and ask them how they feel about civility.

I did this. Students looked at me with wide, passionate eyes. They weren’t just happy with the topic, they were enthralled.

If you did this, chances are you probably heard gems like I heard –

“Civility is really important.”
“We should respect everyone.”
“It’s important to sit on the same side of a table and be able to have a deep conversation about things we care about.”

It’s not a surprise many of our students are conflict averse. Many students were raised with the notion to avoid conflict at all costs. So many of our incoming students have been ingrained with the idea that conflict is detrimental to the overall team and only causes more problems for all.

And it’s not a surprise many of our students are pro-civility. Many students were raised being taught to respect those that are different and to be kind to others. This idea of civility and mutual respect is something that many of our students strive for every day.

So I ask this – Can we reframe the conversation of conflict management into a conversation of why civility within groups/relationships matter?

The goal of conflict management is to take opposing thoughts or stances and reach some level of mutual understanding or mutual resolution. The goal of civility is to respect those with opposing thoughts or stances.

Bringing civility into conversations on conflict helps make conflict management easier for students.

The students I interact with are energized by conversations on civility. Students keenly understand everyone comes from a different place and how these viewpoints should be respected. Today’s students accept differences and how these very differences keep our communities interesting and vibrant.

While practicing civility isn’t exactly the same as conflict management skills, it’s certainly an easier, more comfortable way to introduce the skill of conflict management.

So I challenge you with this –

When you are encouraging your student leaders to look at the concept of conflict, ask your students how conflict relates to civility.

Can you have conflict and be civil? Can you accomplish mutual understanding and respect when you imbue civility into a difficult discussion?