Photo taken by Brianne McDonough
Two years ago I attended the #saTech Boston Conference with my then supervisor from Salem State University. I remember the day vividly. I was new to the job and was excited that I had the chance to attend this conference about technology and education. To give you a sense, I was an eager graduate student looking to network and learn.
One of the keynote speakers, Tom Krieglstein, asked the audience to respond to a very pointed question about why they chose to work in higher education and student affairs. He asked for the ‘why behind the why’. You know– not the typical answer about how you just love working with students — BUT WHY. Why do you come to work everyday and love it even though for most of us, the compensation isn’t all that great. We know we could be earning more and working less, and yet you continually find individuals in student affairs who absolutely downright love their jobs. We know our work life balance is continually out of sync and having to be readjusted but why do we put up with it?
As I turned to the person (stranger, really), next to me to share my response, I clamored. There was absolutely no way I was telling this person my why behind my why. So I made up some baloney response about how involved I was in undergrad and how I just loved supporting students on their journey to earning their degrees. But I lied- that was my why, but my ‘why behind my why’, I was not quite ready to share…
So this brings me to today… I’m am now ready to share my why, behind my why. To prep you (and myself), this is not a story that I enjoy telling and it is certainly not flattering for those involved. For this reason, I am going to avoid using names of friends, staff and the institution.
In 2006 I graduated from my high school in Bridgewater, Massachusetts. I had everything going for me. I was excited to skip town and get a fresh start at a small private school in Virginia where I was recruited to play Division III field hockey.
The first few weeks were crazy– juggling practices, maintaining a social life, work-study job in library, and trying to squeak by in chemistry. About a month in I started to hear rumors about my field hockey coach’s past. The seniors on the team started asking questions and I started to realize that Coach was treating me differently from other girls on the team. He would even joke and quip about his personal life– including his sex life.
One day I confided in one of my teammates, one of the captains, that I felt really uncomfortable about the way Coach was treating me and the things he was saying to me. He never made a sexual advance but his comments were always suggestive even in front of other teammates, other coaches, and administrators. My teammate responded, telling me that she thought it was weird too. And she told me that she had always thought Coach had treated me differently than the other girls. She said “He’s always treated you differently. Since day one, when he had you here for your recruit visit. He doesn’t treat everyone to lunch and have them picked up at the airport.”
I was in absolute awe. Could it have been that he has been playing me since day one? I was confused, felt alone, and uncomfortable. I tried to seek solace in my close friends on the team but most brushed it off telling me to “let it go”. I tried to focus on the game, improving my skills, and getting a starting spot on the roster. After all, that is what I was there for. I tried not to make waves which often meant completing avoiding contact with Coach.
In the midst of all this one of the girls mentioned a letter. I remember it being mentioned before and disregarded. Something about a letter about Coach– sounded important but the details weren’t mentioned and despite asking they wouldn’t crack. I shrugged it off.
Shortly after this, we had an away game, I don’t remember the specifics, but it was a far ride. Being a freshman, I sat at the very back of our nice coach bus and happened to snag a seat alone. A couple hours into the trip, Coach made his way back and plopped himself down beside me. I had done a decent job of avoiding him until now, but this time I was cornered and even though I was on a bus full of people– I felt so alone in this.
He started with small talk. Asked about my classes and how things were going on the team. I’ve blocked some of this out over the years… but I clearly remember him asking if I was a virgin and when I said yes he scoffed at me and chuckled. Looking back I have no idea why I even entertained the question, I guess I thought I was supposed to stay in line and be cordial. It’s all kind of a blur. The conversation ended shortly after… maybe he caught himself or my discomfort, whatever the reason I’m glad it ended. He went back to his seat at the front with the other Coaches and the bus ride continued.
When the coast was clear, my friends sitting in front of me turned around and asked what that was all about. I was distraught, uncomfortable and confused. I did not understand (and still don’t understand) what was happening. They comforted me to the best of their ability and reassured me that everything would be okay.
I continued to avoid eye-contact and survived through the game and trip home. I really don’t remember much. I told my Resident Assistant what was going on and I talked about my options- if I should say something, if I shouldn’t- I never did.
The next week I caught wind that one of the girls on the soccer team told their coach about Coach’s weird and inappropriate behavior. A few days later, I get a call on my cell phone from a 757-number. I answered and it was the Athletic Director. She told me that she had learned some information about Coach and wanted to verify it with me. She asked me a couple of questions about his behavior and if it made me uncomfortable to which I answered “yes”. Then she asked me to come to a meeting later in the week to discuss this in more detail. Oh and she strictly told me that I was not allowed to speak with anyone about what was going on– I stupidly listened.
I suffered silently in my own head while my seemingly mundane college life swirled around me. I attended classes, work, and practice as if nothing was wrong. If I slept at all, I woke up panicked and anxious. I felt so alone.
One of these morning the assistant coach called me and asked me to come by her office. Unsure of what about- I arrived with no expectations. I liked her but I had heard rumors about her sleeping with Coach when she was a former student so I doubted her and had a difficult time respecting her. She had me sit down across from her big desk and asked me what was going on. I played it off like I was just going about my normal business.
She told me she knew about the meeting I had the following day. She said “you know, don’t take it personally, that’s just how Coach is’ and made excuses like ‘that’s just his personality”. I wanted to believe her but my gut was saying otherwise. I nodded in response and left upset.
The next day I found myself sitting across from administrators– it felt like a panel interview that I was not prepared for. One by one they asked me questions about what was going on as I racked my brain trying to provide direct quotes of inappropriate things Coach said to me. When they were done asking questions, the meeting concluded and I was dismissed.
The team knew something was going on and everyone knew I had something to do with it. My teammates defended our Coach and his actions and I began to feel alienated. Everything was awkward and uncomfortable– but I couldn’t worry about it. We had a big game coming up and I had to prove that I was a necessary part of this team. I attended practices– and things went on status quo as I worried anxiously about what was going to come of that meeting… Coach continued to come to practice.
Knowing everything that was happening with Coach, I knew I wanted to know more about him. Was this stuff really happening or was this blown out of proportion? I still wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure until I googled his name. I could not believe what I was reading- an article titled published in Boston Magazine came up as one of the first search results. I read it about 10 times while I was working the circulation desk in the library. The most chilling fact, Coach resigned a teaching position after accusations that he had illicit relationship with a 14-year old year girl. He lost his teaching license from the state of Massachusetts and landed a job Coaching field hockey in Virginia shortly after.
I did not understand how a College could hire someone without looking into their previous work history. I texted my closest friend discreetly and told her that she needed to look up this article ASAP. She did and her reaction was just about the same as mine. I was in shock and disgusted. Who is this man? But I kept things to myself and anxiously worried how this would all be exposed.
By this point, I had told my parents what was going on. I don’t think I gave many details, just enough so they were worried. They had been planning to come to one of my upcoming games and I hadn’t seen them in months so I was looking forward to playing and making them proud on the field.
We had another away game… I don’t remember too much leading up to it but I do know that the entire team was warming up doing our usual pre-game drills. I was feeling really confident and I had a great week at practice, so I was looking forward to taking the field. I was taking hits on the our goalie when suddenly I hit the ground. By the time I got my bearings I already knew I was bleeding. I could taste blood in my mouth. Not being able to see the damage, I remember touching the back of my teeth with my tongue and feeling them in disarray. I was rushed off the field and tended to by the athletic trainer on the sidelines.
As I heard the opening line-up being announced in the distance, I heard my name… but I was being taken by ambulance to the local hospital. I finally made the starting roster and I was leaving the game, everything about the situation sucked.
I rejoined my team as the dusk approached and we rode back to campus. I was knocked out on morphine and hardly remember it. I do remember feeling like everything I had strived for was gone- in an instant. How could this have happened? I did everything right, played by the rules and gave it my all…
My parents bumped up their trip by a day and came to take care of me. Mom stayed a couple extra days, took me to dentist appointments where my teeth were temporarily wired into place. The following week I had a root canal. I went home for Thanksgiving… thing were regaining normalcy.
When I returned back to campus after the Thanksgiving Break I had pretty much made up my mind that I was going to transfer. I knew I could finish out the semester, take my grades, and transfer to Bridgewater State College (now University). So I focused on finishing up the semester and plugging along until I could leave that awful place. I just wanted to be anywhere but there.
Once I had made up my mind about leaving, I knew I had a few people on campus I needed to say goodbye to before the holiday break. I had made a connection with the campus Chaplain and wandered into his office. He could tell I was off… I sat down and explained to him that I was going to be transferring and he asked why.
I cracked. I told him the entire story from start to finish. I’m sure he had trouble understanding me as I cried. He listened and repeated what I was telling him back to me to make sure he understood correctly. I nodded as him confirmed the details. After a few minutes of comforting me, he told me that he was going to make a phone call… once he got off the phone he prepped me saying, “I do not think President G. knows this happened and I would like you to come upstairs with me and together we can explain what is going on”. I knew nothing was going to keep me there but I wanted justice served so I agreed.
The next hour I sat in the President’s office telling him what had happened and I truly believe he had no idea of what had taken place. Every fact– including my meeting with administrators from the athletic department– was a surprise to him. I could see he was embarrassed that his college had personally let me down.
President G. told me about this letter that he received after Coach had been hired. That was three years ago now. It was an anonymous letter detailing Coach’s past accusations. Having already hired Coach, they were in an odd position. President G. told me that they sat down with all of the girls on the team and informed them of his past accusations and told all of the girls that if anything happened they wanted it to be reported. I knew right away that this was the mysterious letter the captains wouldn’t tell me about prior.
He apologized and promised me that he would take care of the situation. He asked me if there was anything he could do to get me to stay, but by that time, there really was nothing. I had pretty much lost my group of friends, the respect of my teammates, and in my mind I was already at home in Bridgewater.
The next week Coach resigned never to be seen or heard from again. I took a lot of heat from my teammates for ‘getting him fired’. But I know in my heart that he did this to himself. A few weeks later I moved out and never heard anything from the College.
I still wonder to this day why I did not get the care and attention that I deserved as an innocent party in this awful scenario. Looking back I was so alone and depressed, I felt helpless. I was never referred to a counselor or a Resident Director– nothing. I wonder why campus administrators chose to cover up the truth instead of confront the issue head on (especially knowing about Coach’s less than stellar history…). I was so disgusted that none of these people advocated for me yet instead chose to preserve the institution.
To this day I am impacted by the events which took place during my first semester at College. Thankfully my experience at Bridgewater made up for it. This is the reason why I decided to become a Resident Assistant, the reason I went onto become a Resident Director and eventually get my Master’s Degree in Higher Education and Student Affairs. Now I look back and am thankful this experience has given me a genuine drive and passion to work in higher education.
So there you have it. That is my why, behind my why.
> BONUS <
Podcast With Kathleen Kerr on Passion – A Dirty Word?
